A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised
his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her
head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand."

Sind wir jetzt hier auf der schlüpfrigen Schiene? Kann ich auch...

His version – Her version

HER VERSION

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been me because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. Maybe he didn't like what I was wearing. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

What did I do to upset him? We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! I think I'm going to cry, but I do my best to hold back the tears. I try again to ask him what's wrong, but before I could think of the right thing to say he switches on the TV. The tears start to fall, so I reluctantly say I'm going to go to bed. No response from him. What did I do????

Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know. I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, has he met someone else??? I wonder how long it has been going on and what she looks like. How could he do this to me!!!


HIS VERSION


Shit day at work.

Tired.

Got laid though

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says what happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says what happens at home.


Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Siebengscheit

I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the
US Railroads.



Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways,and that's the gauge they used.



Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.



Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing ?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.



So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.



And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing


The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.


Now the twist to the story….


When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

echt genial! lg ines

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their carhad broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. The two of them looked at each other, shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the directions: "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"


So, nun müssen mal noch mehr andere ran, damit das Forum nicht in der Versenkung verschwindet.
Ich bin jetzt erstmal 14 Tage weg

Liebe Grüße
klexel

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."


Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Siebengscheit

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?




They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)
Siebengscheit

....was reading the story of the "Three Little Pigs" to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the
pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know...he said, 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Siebengscheit