·What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork!

·Where do ants like to go on their vacation
To Antarctica

·Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.

·How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

·Where did the vampire open his savings account?
At a blood bank

·Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building.

·What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream

·Why are soldiers always tired on April First.
They've just finished a long March

·Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs he would fall over

·Why did the lady put wheels on her rocking chair?
Because she wanted to rock and roll!

·Why did the worker at the M&M factory get fired?
He threw all the Ws away!

·What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!

·Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
Because he wanted to have a balanced meal.

·What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?
Ketch-up!

·Why did the young vampires stay up all night?
They were studying for a blood test.

·What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.

·Did you hear about the vegetarian preacher?
He is always heard saying lettuce pray!

·Did you hear about the Indian who drank 200 cups of tea?
He drowned in his TeePee!

·What is a vampire's favorite kind of dog?
A bloodhound

·What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.

Do you know Joey? She is jealous, but very open-minded. In fact, she is a very exciting person and that’s why she always causes a lot of trouble.

J - Jealous
O - You are very open-minded
E - You are a very exciting person
Y - You make a lot of trouble.

What you do is find out what each letter of your name means. Then connect all the meanings and it describes you. If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.

A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B - You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C - You definitely have a partier side in you. Don't be shy to show it.
D - You have trouble trusting people.
E - You are a very exciting person.
F - Everyone loves you.
G - You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H - You are honest.
I - You have a bad temper sometimes.
J – You are jealous.
K - You like to try new things.
L - Love is a hard word for you to speak out.
M - Success comes easily to you.
N - You like to work, but you always want a break.
O - You are very open-minded.
P - You have a lack of understanding people, you only focus on you.
Q - You are selfish.
R - You are a social butterfly.
S - You are very close-minded.
T - You can be bossy sometimes.
U - You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V - You are very verbal.
W - You like your privacy.
X - You never let people tell you what to do.
Y - You cause a lot of trouble.
Z - You're always fighting with someone.

So say your name is Jessica:
You are a jealous but very exciting person. You don't always show your partier side. You have a bad temper and get jealous easily. You are close-minded and tend to be very quiet when something is going on.

Hier ist das obige Gespräch von Bush und Rice zum Hören - für den doppelten Lachgenuss! :o)

http://www.masteroni.com/show.php?itemId=88098232

Allen ein schönes Wochenende!
bumblebee79

(passend zum Nichtraucher/Raucher-Forum)

Stop smoking
Is it difficult to stop smoking?
No, it's easy. I've done it many times.


Sometimes
Do you like your new school?
Sometimes.
When?
When it's shut.


I can do something
I can do something my teachers can't do.
What's that?
I can read my writing.


What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

Siebengscheit

zum Anklicken:

http://www.masteroni.com/show.php?itemId=88098232

An airplane is crashing down with 5 people on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says: I’, Shaquille O’Neill, the best NBA-Basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can’t die. So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says: I’m the wife of the former US president. I’m also the most committed woman of the world, I’m Senator in NY and perhaps the future US president. She grabs a parachute and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says: I’m the president of the USA. I have a huge responsibility for the whole world. And besides, I’m the brightest president in the history of this country, so it’s impossible that I die. So he takes a package and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy: I’m so old, I’ve lived my life as a good person and priest, and so I want you to take the last parachute.
The little boy replies: No problem. There is a parachute for both of us. America’s brightest president has just jumped off with my schoolbag…

1. If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
3. But Baby I Can See Through You
4. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
5. I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
6. If The Phone Doesn't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
7. If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
8. Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
9. May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
10. My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
11. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
12. You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
13. I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
15. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
16. I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
17. I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
19. When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
20. Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
22. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
23. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Siebengscheit

You can get two free drinks for the price of one.

In a restaurant: SHOES ARE REQUIRED TO EAT INSIDE.

Outside a restaurant: HELP KEEP THE BIRDS HEALTHY. DON'T FEED THEM RESTAURANT FOOD

At a Sri Lankan swimming pool: DO NOT USE THE DIVING BOARD WHEN THE SWIMMING POOL IS EMPTY

On a bookstore: RARE, OUT-OF-PRINT, AND NONEXISTENT BOOKS.

At the approach to a bridge in New London, Connecticut: STOP ON WHITE LINE WHEN RED

Outside a skating rink; ROLLERSKATE FOR HEALTH.
Inside same rink; SKATE AT YOUR OWN RISK

On a Newton, Massachusetts, club:
LIVE LOBSTERS DANCING NIGHTLY

In an Orlando safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

In front of a Canton, Massachusetts, filling station:
OUR REST ROOMS ARE CLEAN AROUND THE CLOCK.
(What about the rest of the room?)