Wow, kaum ist man mal 'ne Woche abwesend, ist schon fast wieder das neue Forum voll!

Aus aktuellem Anlaß und an alle gerichtet, die sich die ganze Zeit schon fragen, warum Schottland sich wieder mal nicht für die WM qualifiziert hat

The Fahrenheit Temperature Scale

50 Degrees : Southerners turn on their heating. People in Glasgow plant their gardens

40 Degress: Southerners shiver uncontrollably. People in Glasgow sunbathe.

35 Degress: Southern cars will not start. People in Glasgow drive with the windows down.

20 Degrees: Southerners wear coats, gloves and wool hats. People in Glasgow throw on a T-shirt (girls wear mini-skirts)

15 Degrees: Southerners begin to evacuate. People in Glasgow go swimming in the North Sea.

ZERO Degrees: Southern landlords turn up the heat. People in Glasgow have the last BBQ before it gets cold.

MINUS 10: Southerners cease to exist. People in Glasgow throw on a lightweight jacket.

MINUS 80: Polar bears wonder if it's worth it. Boy scouts in Glasgow start wearing long trousers.

MINUS 100: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Glasgow put on their long johns.

MINUS 173: Alcohol freezes. People in Glasgow become frustrated because the pubs are shut.

MINUS 297: Microbial life starts to disappear. The cows on Glasgow Town Moor complain of vets with cold hands.

MINUS 460: All atomic motion stops. People in Glasgow start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.

MINUS 500: Hell freezes over. Rangers qualify for Europe.

one from my favourite punnist Richard Lederer:

This is the story of the bee
whose sex is very hard to see
You cannot tell a he from she
But he can tell and so can she
The little bee is never still
So has no time to take the pill
And that is why in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.
(Richard Lederer)

Bitte was bedeutet SOB's ??


After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were these:

His dizzy aunt.................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes .......Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle..........Can't Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store .....Stop'n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white .....Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois........Chica Gogh

His magician uncle..............Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin..............Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother ....Grin Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt.......Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco........Go Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ....Wellsfar Gogh

The bird lover uncle............Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst........E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin.........Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking...Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew........Poe Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie BayGogh

If you receive an email entitled "Bad times," delete it immediately.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, ARE YOU LISTENING?!!!!!

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Bad times" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows; it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

*WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN*

NB And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm, shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite onto the person nearest you.

Send to everyone.

(In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.)

Schönes Wochenende - Siebengscheit

SOB = Son of a bitch

Sing this to the tune of the Beatles' "Yesterday" :

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a millstone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

The Simplified Chinese Language...

For most of us, Chinese is a very difficult language to learn or understand. Hopefully, these simplifications will help you un-derstand the Chinese language just a bit better!

Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table


Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift

Dum Gai - A stupid person

Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harbor-ing a fugutive


Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia - Approach me

Lao Ze Sho - Dawson's Creek

Lao Zi - Not very good


Lin Ching - An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai - A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse


Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile


Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting -- There is no reason to raise your voice

Well done! Siebengscheit

Chess Fans

A chess competition was being held in a hotel and various contestants were in the open-air lobby discussing their victories of the day. After about an hour of this, manager of the hotel came into the lobby and asked them all to leave.
"But why?" they cried.
"Because," the manager explained, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Great truths about life, that adults have learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkels don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Todays mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging from the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereals for the fiber, not the joy.

Great truths about growing old
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you are down there.
4. You are getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Act 1

Login: Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Juliet: Stalker!
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u?
Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?
Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?
Juliet: Luv U xxxx
Romeo: CU then xxxx

Act 2

Friar: Do u?
Juliet: I do
Romeo: I do

Act 3

Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark.
Romeo: OK
Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die.
Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished.
Juliet: When CU again?
Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu.
Juliet: Miss u big time.

Act 4

Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!!
Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.

Act 5

Friar: Really? O no. U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded.
Juliet: Gr8

Act 6

Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts?
Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works.
Romeo: TEXT ME!
Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry l8

Act 7

Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this...am now poisoning & and climbing in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx

Act 8

Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh...
Friar: Vry bad situation.
Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger. Ow!!! Logout