The computer programmer

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?

A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006
When...
1. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.





AND NOW You ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
And Yes, I was laughing and I did scroll back to see that there wasn't a #9

A dog howling at night when someone in the house is sick is a bad omen. It can be reversed by reaching under the bed and turning over a shoe.

If you touch a loved one who has died, you won't have dreams about them..

A hat on the bed means death in the family.

If an owl looks in the window of your home during daylight hours, a death will occur in the family.

Never hand scissors to someone or they will encounter a painful death.

If a bird flies into the house, someone will die soon.

If you hold your breath while you drive by a cemetery, evil spirits can'tenter your body.
You should always cover your mouth while yawning so your spirit doesn't leave you and the devil never enters your body.

The soul of a dying person can't escape the body and go to heaven if any locks are locked in the house.

If a cow raises its head and smells the air, someone has died nearby.

Never put your shoes on the table or you will die by hanging.

If rain falls on a funeral procession someone related to the deceased will die in the near future.

Rain falling upon an open grave means bad luck for the family.(contributor's editorial note: even worse than losing the loved one???)
The soul roams the vicinity until the casket is finally covered with earth.

If pros and cons are opposite, is progress the opposite of congress?

I would never be caught dead with a necrophiliac!

Necrophiliacs put the fun back in FUNeral.

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Diploma: Da' man who fixes da' pipes.

Someone's karma ran over my dogma.

If Satan lost his hair, there would be hell toupe!

Demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Be cowful what you utter about udders. You cud be overheard.

Someone stole the precinct toilet. The cops have nothing to go on.

Fangs for the Memories: Vampire the Musical

This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly can you find out what is wrong with it? It's so usual, you would think nothing is wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It's unusual, though. Study it. What is so unusual about it? Do you know?

The most unusual paragraph (continued...)

If you study it and think about it, you may find out, but I am not going to assist you in any way. You must do this job, though it is taxing, without any hints or coaching. No doubt, if you work at it for a bit, it will dawn on you. Who knows? So don't act lazy for it will avail you nothing. Go to work and try your skill. Good luck!

Somthing is missing...

Think of words ending in "-gry". "Angry" and "hungry" are two of them. There are only three words in "the English language." What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is.

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The 'browse'' feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an 'index' feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional BOOK mark accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session, even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOK marks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOK mark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. (BOOK marks can be purchased commercially in a wide variety of styles, or easily created at home from readily available materials by the BOOK user.)

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment and information communication wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform. Look for a flood of new titles soon.