Hat denn niemand Lust, meine Reihe ab und zu mal fortzusetzen. Fühle mich so einsam. Oder gefällts euch nicht? Dann hör ich auf...

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a tourist spot in Nova Scotia: CAUTION--SLIPPERY ROCKS AND SUDDEN SWELLS AND WAVES RISING ABOVE THE ROCKS EVEN ON FINE AND CALM DAYS HAVE CAUSED MANY ACCIDENTS AND DROWNINGS. ENJOY THEM AT A SAFE DISTANCE.

In a restaurant: FREE DINNER ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY, SHOW US A VALID DRIVER'S LICENSE AS PROOF, AND YOU WILL GET YOUR ENTRÉE FREE. ONE A YEAR ONLY.

In a restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS

Outside a Mexico City disco: MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY

TThe following are questions and answers from the pupils of Brentwood County High School. They reveal a wide variety of common errors from the funny guess to the complete misunderstanding of the subject.

Q: Name a pollutant and its source:
A: Weels from a motorway.

Q: Is crude oil pure or a mixture?
A: Pure, because its on its own.
A: Pure, because it is nateral.

Q: Why will this nail rust?
A: If air get to a nail it will go rusty because air is really water.
A: If drying agent fell from the sky it would crush your car, not rust it!!!!

Q: What is meant by "endangered species"?
A: It is soon to be killed off.
A: It means that it is dangerous.

Q: When the [cooling] experiment was repeated with thicker glass flasks, cooling took longer. Why?
A: Because the heat had to conduct itself through a much thicker distance, which took a lot longer.

Q: Where do you find the colours of a spectrum?
A: In a Rambow.

Q: [On digestion] What is the reaction between acids and antacids called?
A: Relief

Q: Why does it take longer to cook a potato on top of a mountain?
A: Because the potato is at least 1000 feet above the ground.
A: It takes longer because of convection. It has to rise all the way up, and this takes some time.

Q: What is the unit of resistance?
A: Homes (H).

Q: The journey from Preston to Carlisle to Preston always takes longer than the journey from Preston to Carlisle. Suggest why this is so.
A: The train driver would be tired.

Q: Explain the conservation of momentum, and how it applies to a space rocket.
A: The conservation of momentum means the conservation of force at which the rocket is propelled into the atmosphere. This is important to consider when considering rocket propulsion and collision (!) as too much momentum could result quite seriously.

Q: [On crude oil] What non-energy uses are there for oil?
A: Cooking.

Q: Describe the function of the cell membrane.
A: It keeps the cell warm.

Q: How is eye colour etc. passed on to the next generation?
A: The jeans (not Levis).

Q: Describe how the egg cell is specialised.
A: The egg is round so it is easier to get down the tube, because if it was square there would be a problem.

Q: What should medical workers wear when dealing with accidents involving large amounts of blood?
A: The should wear gloves and a suit.

Q: A car is able to move, and can perform 3 life processes. What are they?
A: Speak (hooter).
A: Reproduce.
A: Gets old.
A: Turn.

Q: There are three life processes that a car cannot carry out, so it cannot be a living thing. Which processes does a car not carry out?
A: Wink
A: Sleep.
A: Jump in the air.

Q: [On periscopes] How do the two mirrors make it work?
A: The objects goes into the top mirror. It then gets reflected into the second one
A: Your eyes hit the mirror.

Q: [On a valley flooded by a dam] Give two problems that the rabbits might have after they have moved.
A: They might not be able to get a good water supply, or an open space for them to play.

Q: Describe changes in the weather which could lead to a decrease in evaporation from oceans.
A: There could be a drought, so there wouldn't be any water in the oceans to evaporate.

On a California freeway: FINE FOR LITTERING.

Automatic Washing Machines. PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a barbershop: DURING VACATION OF OWNER, A COMPETENT HAIR STYLIST WILL BE HERE.

At a Used Car Lot: "SECOND HAND CARS IN FIRST CRASH CONDITION."

Over cash register in a Seattle clothing store: WE DON'T CHANGE UNDERWEAR

In the window of a Woodsville, Washington, store:
OUT OF BUSINESS THANKS TO OUR CUSTOMERS

Outside a country shop: WE BUY JUNK AND SELL ANTIQUES.

Dies sind Originalzitate von deutschen BerufsschülerInnen!:

"Where's you boss?" - "He's in the secretary."

Go straight ahead and then turn into a lift.

Nice to meat you.

(nicht! vom gleichen Schüler:)
Would you prefer to go to your hotel or would you like to eat someone first?

Für "Lieferung frei Haus" (franco to our premises): Delivery should be falco to promises.

Für "Ich freue mich, Sie kennen zu lernen.":
"I'm afraid to meet you." kann ja sein, oder?

Ich sammel weiter!

Ich hatte meinen Schülern, die in engl.Familien untergebracht waren, eingebläut, alles, was sie sagten, in höflicher Form zu sagen, auch wenn Fehler drin sind. Ihre Liebslingswendung war: Would you please be so kind as to...
Wir also im kalten Oktober, aber hinter der Busscheibe bei sehr warmer Sonne, auf dem Weg nach Stratford. Die Schüler baten mich, dem Busfahrer zu sagen, er solle die Heizung ausdrehen. Ich sagte ihnen, sie sollten es selber probieren.
Nach längerer Überlegungsphase kam ein Schüler und fragte ihn in höflichstem Englisch:
Would you please be so kind as to turn the refrigerator down?
Der Busfahrer hat zuerst ziemlich hilflos geguckt und ich wär fast geplatzt.

Nach den in englisch abgefassten Angaben in gewissen Häusern und Hotels überall
auf der Welt zu urteilen, bleibt noch viel zu tun. Hier einige authentische Beispiele:

Hotels sind eine unerschöpfliche Quelle von Meisterwerken:
Fangen wir mit Tokio an:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please
not read this notice.

Please do not bathe inside the tub.

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Bezüglich der Klimaanlage in den Zimmern:
If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

In einem jugoslawischen Hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Moskau:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.


To be continued...

In einem Hotel in Moskau nahe einem Kloster:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Zürich:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it
is suggested that the lobby be used for that purpose.

Accapulco:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Paris:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Athen:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

Österreich:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

Wien:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

every-wer
wenn i every-wer wär,
wär i everywhere wer.

wer wie i everywhere wer wär,
wär everywhere every-wer,
wherever i wär.

wer wie i wär,
wär very i,
... ever.

Hi! Now you say something.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only £ 9.50 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...


Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message."

Broken Arrow no in tipi now. You leave message after little smoke signal, and you get answer from Broken Arrow real fast.

Hi! This is John. If you are the phone company, I’ve already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a nice girl, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thoughtrecording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi! I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.