She writes:

Dear Family,

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection -- just lost in thought about the Lord -- and didn't notice that the light had changed.

That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and they told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. Its a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love you all,

Grandma

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate ecstasy--a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of
behavior.


Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats on hand at all times. And
remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds,they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Author Unknown (Probably a parent with a sense of humor---and a cat!)

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others."
--Gerry Brown

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
--George H. W. Bush, US President

"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them."
--George H. W. Bush, US President

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
--Duffy Daugherty, football coach and sports analyst

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"Please provide the date of your death."
--from an IRS letter

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
--Richard Nixon, US President

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: 'I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.'

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: 'I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.'
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. 'Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,' he typed. 'Please send us two of them.'

When people lose their jobs they may be dismissed, sacked, fired or kicked out; they may be out on their ear or on their neck; they may be shown the door; or they may be given their cards, their marching orders, the push, the elbow, the old heave-ho or the order of the boot.
Some professions, however, have their own individual terminology for this situation: a clergyman may be defrocked, a lawyer disbarred, an army officer cashiered.
Why should not people in other walks of life also have their own terms for dismissal? Thus:

An office-worker could be defiled.
A salesman could be disordered.
A writer could be described.
A journalist could be depressed.
A botanist could be deflowered

A wine merchant could be deported.
A traffic warden could be defined.
A cashier could be distilled.
A poet could be diversified.
A celebrity could be defamed.

A cricketer could be detested.
A climber could be dismounted.
A jailer could be excelled.
A policeman could be unwarranted.
A judge could be dishonored.

A bishop could be disgraced.
A model could be deposed.
A neurologist could be unnerved.
An engine-driver could be distrained.
A gambler could be discarded

A conjuror could be disillusioned.
A prostitute could be delayed.
A Moonie could be dissected.
A Chinese waiter could be disoriented.
A solicitor could be distorted.

A rabble ??-rouser could be demobbed.(Stand so im Original!!)
A mathematician could be nonplussed.
A diplomat could be disconsolate.
An investment banker could be distrusted.
A lawyer could be displeased.

A steel worker could be distempered.
An immunologist could be disinfected.
A tax collector could be distributed.
A chef could be distasteful.
A convict could be discriminated.

A barker could be disclaimed.
A fisherman could be despondent.
A cowboy could be deranged.
A skirtmaker could be depleted.
A bully could be demeaned.

A statistician could be discounted or disfigured.
A butcher could be disjointed or delivered.
An actor could be displayed or departed.
A horseman could be derided or unbridled.
A sorcerer could be dispelled or disenchanted.

A tennis player could be unloved or defaulted.
A banker could be discredited or disinterested.
A hairdresser could be distressed or unlocked.
A politician could be devoted, denominated or disappointed.

An electrician could be delighted or discharged or unearthed.
A musician could be denoted, disbarred, disbanded, decomposed, or disconcerted

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"Public speaking is very easy."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive" on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they send it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Siebengscheit

After pulling over a driver for speeding, a police officer had the following conversation with the driver…

Officer: Good evening. Can I see your driver's license?

Driver: I’m afraid I don't have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.

Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner's documents for this vehicle?

Driver: Actually it's not my car. I stole it yesterday.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in there?

Driver: Of course officer, but there's no gun in here!

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.

Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!

The police captain was very confused about what had happened.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

A student was writing home to his parents, trying to hint that he needed some money.....

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replied with this letter:

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Liebe klexel,
die Beschreibungen der Mutter sind unglaublich gut.
still laughing - ines