JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

AND FINALLY,
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS LIKE A WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food

2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

_{Dieser Text ist auch sehr schön mit Schülern zu lesen.}

Clever old gentleman!!!!

Im Restaurant:

Schweiz:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Polen:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beed soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a
finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

_{Was bitte wird da wohl angeboten???}

Der Tourismus:

Camping in Deutschland:
It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

Tschechisches Reisebüro:
Take one of our horse driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Thailändisches Reisebüro, das Reklame für Eselritte macht:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Luftfahrtgesellschaft in Kopenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Zoo von Budapest:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In Geschäften:

Supermarkt in Hongkong:
For your convenience we recommend courageous, efficient, self-service.

Chemische Reinigung in Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

und in Rom:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Pariser Boutique:
Dresses for street walking.

Ein Schneider auf Rhodos:
Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Eine Boutique in Tokio:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

In dem Prospekt einer Autovermietung in Tokio:
When passenger of foot heave in sight tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

Eine Boutique in Marokko:
English well talking.

Die Ärzte:
Reklame eines Zahnarztes in Hongkong:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Im Wartesaal eines Arztes in Rom:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Die Presse:
There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15.000 Soviet Republic painters and
sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

1.Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

2.Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

3.If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?

4.If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

5.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

6.Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

7.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out?"

8.If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

9.Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?

10.Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment transported by truck?

11.What was the best thing before sliced bread?

12.What's the opposite of opposite?

13.If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?

14.Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

15.What do you call male ballerinas?

16.Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

17.Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

18.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

19.Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

20.Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?



PS: Hey, wo sind meine Englisch-KollegInnen, die auch mal was Hübsches beitragen. Es ist so einsam hier ohne euch...

21.Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?

22.I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

23.Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

24.Did Adam and Eve have navels?

25.Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

26.If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

27.Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

28.Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?